Sad to know that we have such an ugly thing in common - at least when it comes to the thought itself (minus the time)
I want you to talk to a professional or someone else who you trust. That could mean your parents, a friend, even a teacher, or perhaps a simple doctor.
You don’t need to go through this alone, you don’t deserve this.
Now if you don’t want to talk to any of the above, I can offer you that you message me un-anon and I will send you my email when I’m sitting on my laptop again and then we can talk about why you feel like this. But please remember I’m not a professional, I’m not a friend who can give you a real hug. So please - even if you do decide that you’d rather talk to me right now, talk to someone in your real life. Give them the chance to be there for you.